Hi everybody,
The top ten best are out of the way, so now let’s look at the worst.
5. The Tourist
Written and Directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Written by Christopher McQuarrie, Julian Fellowes
Starring Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie
An international spy thriller that isn’t thrilling. The biggest action sequence was a boat chase through Venice at speeds up to ten kilometers per hour. It’s so fucking boring. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie sleepwalk through the script, and it’s unbelievably predictable.
4. The Warrior’s Way
Written and Directed by Sngmoo Lee
Starring Dong-gun Jang, Kate Bosworth, Geoffrey Rush
If you have main character that only has five or six lines in the movie, than you need a good supporting cast to play off of. Kate Bosworth is nice to look at, but can’t act. Geoffrey Rush obviously didn’t give a shit. And nobody else stood out. The action sequences were dependent on the CGI looking good. But the CGI was the quality of an episode of Smallville, maybe worse. If you want a good martial arts and western mash-up, watch The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. Much better.
3. Predators
Directed by Nimrod Antal
Written by Alex Litvak, Michael Finch
Starring Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Alice Braga, Danny Trejo
I wish they would stop making sequels to Predator. (That includes the Alien vs. Predator franchise, too.) It was one of the best action movies of all time. It wasn’t because the predator was so cool, it was because Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, and Jesse Ventura kicked ass. When you replace them with skinny little guys like Adrien Brody and Topher Grace you lose something. Jean Claude Van Damme was supposed to play the Predator in the original, but he didn’t look big enough to even get in the ring with Arnold. I don’t need Academy Award winning actors for my action movies. I need a guy that I wouldn’t fuck with if I some him on the street. When Adrien Brody disrobes and cakes himself in mud it was the saddest thing ever. Compare that to Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger. I won’t even get into all the plot holes and timeline problems with the movie. Go watch the original again, and watch true action heroes kick ass.
2. The Karate Kid
Directed by Harald Zwart
Written by Christopher Murphey
Starring Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Taraji P. Henson
I’m not going to put this at #1, because I loved watching Jackie Chan beat the shit out of a bunch in twelve year olds. Just because he didn’t hit them with a fist, doesn’t mean he didn’t attack them. Using little kids and shit lying around as projectiles to hit them is still frowned upon. At least Johnny and his buddies were seniors in high school.
It’s hard to say a little kid is a bad actor, but Jaden Smith is not a good actor. It’s kung fu, not karate. It’s over two hours long. Who gets transferred from Detroit to Hong Kong? I’ll stick with the original.
1. The Last Airbender
Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Who Cares
M. Night Shyamalan shouldn’t be able to hold anything that can record images, audio or video. I’ll feel bad for the fans of the show. This has to taint it a little bit. Acting was awful, the dialogue was awful, special effects were awful, and this might have single handedly killed 3D for me. They should have cast Jackie Chan in this so he could beat the crap out of the little kid.
Did they change the dialogue for the UK? Because they refer to all the magic people as Benders (derogatory term for homosexuals in the UK).
Honorable Mentions
Robin Hood – Can’t believe I like Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves more than anything, but it was better.
Alice In Wonderland – Fell asleep during it. Didn’t feel like going back to rewatch it. Shite.
Book of Eli – I actually thought this would be good. I was wrong.
Save yourself some time. Do NOT watch these horrible, awful, no good, very bad movies.
May the Force be with you,
CHUD
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